maybe.. i'm just not meant for this anymore..

a heart... representation of love, feelings and emotion.. and up till this day i never asked myself, how much more pain i can take before i call it quits.. how much more damage the heart can take until there's none left, no pulse, no passion... alot of woman came into my life.. some were long and some were brief.. some were with high expectation and some were just *pardon me* there to kill time... the first real time i gave my heart away, i took it back and tend it for more than a year... until someone i really look up to and love with every drop of my blood opened up my heart... again.. and then was torn again beyond repair... i really lost it back there.. whenever i touch my chest, yes the beating is there.. and yet it feels like there's a very deep void inside.. and when i'm in the His home *church* that i feel it no more.. yet that was momentarily..

there's one thing that relationships teaches me always.. never give away to much.. keep some for yourself and when anything happens you got your wall of emotional plan for your back door escape.. yet, that lesson never get to me.. when we love, we give it all.. one of my ex once told me that my love only exist in fairly tales... fierce, eternal and constantly burning.. and maybe what feels like a fairy tale better be left in fairy tales... maybe there i'm just not made for this.. i feel sorry for the girls that will come after the last major heartbreak.. i can never love like i did.. i hope they understand.. well, very few ppl really understand what i'm going through... time does heal, but after the last one, i reckon it will heal soon.. if not never..

whatever comes after this is more like an obligation.. not much emotion involved.. whenever contemplate alone, few drops of tears never fail to run down my face.. my pride is all that left to hold other tears back.. i lost something back then, and i really lost it.. maybe some ppl can really find their soul mates out there.. as for me, i lost my soul and my heart... faith, pride and family is all that is left.. my only hope is this, i just want to live in this time space and leave peacefully one day and never come back...

maybe... i'm just not meant for this anymore..