back to Miri.. back down the memory lane..

back to Miri... as much i hate to admit, i love to be back here.. and i hate it too... flashes of long gone memories plays back at me like a projected movie on the windshield of your car while u drive.. love being here.. and yet hate what it does to my soul... once, long before the big bang.. lol.. i'd give away an arm and a leg just to be here... once... but now, i'd give the same so i didnt come here in the first place...

well..the memories dont do Miri its justice.. i love the place.. maybe someday.. when i come back, IF i come back, i'd be here for vacation with ma very own family...

lately... i'm just lost..

maybe i'm just lost somewhere in my own brain.. the construct of my own fantasy and madness.. i'm lost form this world even when conversing with others, my mind floats to the imaginarium abyss... cant seem to concentrate on my work, my life.. maybe its the holiday fever, or maybe i'm just tired.. tired of this hectic life chasing shadows of other ppls aims... i need a breather..

2nd September 2011

it'll determine the next stage in my life... i'm getting nervous, yet i'm happy about it.. its my turn.. after many others.. cant wait..

tough..

its just difficult.. to get a hang of things... hold to much you'll end up hurting yourself.. some things are just not meant to be.. easier said then done...

i am my own enemy

no matter how challenges come by, we will be offered divine assistance.. yeah.. we all do.. so am i... no matter how battered bruised and bleed, in the end it'll get better... i am my own enemy.. my mind often tries to drag me to an emotional hell hole.. i wont give in.. there's always light at the end of the tunnel... my escape? tattoos, nature, ppl i love and just being plain alive is more than enough.... whenever things come by, i'll let my heart lead... we are who we are.. and we are our own enemies...

never regret, never look back

some things i've done i regret, some things i dont.. some things i wish i didnt know, some things i wish i knew earlier... some things i iwsh i didnt say, some things i wish i say it out loud... sometimes i wish i didnt give in, other times i wish i did for just a little while longer...

never knew i happened.. again

never thought it will happen so naturally with someone close (at least a time at school).. and then again, it reminded me of some almost similar relationship back then.. ALMOST... haha.. the thing is that both is almost situation, both never saws it coming and never thought it would be.. different is that she is so into me. never felt that way for a long.. long time. damn.. lets just hope that she dont get bored fast.. love me for me and accept me for who i am... for those who knew, hope you'll keep this secret until its time to reveal them.. for those who dont, apologies to u... i'm not ready to tell you yet.. i'll reveal it next year.. and i can hear bells ringing already... *smile* ... HE made two deep holes in my heart just to prepare it to be filled with something big... I pray, i hope and i want this to be my last.. the road is paved, its up to us to walk it.. hopefully, the next time i attend a wedding ceremony, i wont be sitting at the singles table anymore for the rest of my life.. AMEN

i am what i am

i am what i am... a little eccentric, a thinker, loud (in heart and out), introvert (regarding my feelings mostly), helpless regarding love, get lost in my own world easy... i am just an average joe.. enjoys life as it is.. i try to avoid attention and conflict if necessary... i'd prefer to lay low...i love hanging with people that has experience in life... i tend to avoid hanging out with amazing ppl cause i see myself just a normal human being.. nothing special.. i love the simplicities in life.. little things can make me happy, a beautiful sunrise, cool morning breeze, starlit night is enough to make me happy.. my emotion is much less complicated than my person.. hanging out with beggars seems more intriguing than hanging out with a bunch of professionals... that's me.. cause i feel that these special people have a different view of life that almost non normal people can see... i'm not into luxury, but i'd prefer what suits me...

i am what i am... what is the most amazing of all, she sees me as me.. she takes me as me... she dont care who i hang out with or what i do, she just loves me for me... she doesnt care about what other people has to say or do, all she wants is to be with me... she tells me i'm special from head to toe.. it takes a miner to see a speck of silver in the sand.... she sees something in me that non other has seen, which at times makes me wonder... i dont understand why she is so into me... maybe its just an infatuation like the last relationship... i'm afraid if i give to much, i'll end up as the biggest loser... i cant take much beating anymore..

if she really do loves me she has take me as i am.. i wont go easy as before, and i will be less forgiving that's for sure.. for my past taught me alot, and i guess its about time i heed the message... for i am what i am...

maybe.. i'm just not meant for this anymore..

a heart... representation of love, feelings and emotion.. and up till this day i never asked myself, how much more pain i can take before i call it quits.. how much more damage the heart can take until there's none left, no pulse, no passion... alot of woman came into my life.. some were long and some were brief.. some were with high expectation and some were just *pardon me* there to kill time... the first real time i gave my heart away, i took it back and tend it for more than a year... until someone i really look up to and love with every drop of my blood opened up my heart... again.. and then was torn again beyond repair... i really lost it back there.. whenever i touch my chest, yes the beating is there.. and yet it feels like there's a very deep void inside.. and when i'm in the His home *church* that i feel it no more.. yet that was momentarily..

there's one thing that relationships teaches me always.. never give away to much.. keep some for yourself and when anything happens you got your wall of emotional plan for your back door escape.. yet, that lesson never get to me.. when we love, we give it all.. one of my ex once told me that my love only exist in fairly tales... fierce, eternal and constantly burning.. and maybe what feels like a fairy tale better be left in fairy tales... maybe there i'm just not made for this.. i feel sorry for the girls that will come after the last major heartbreak.. i can never love like i did.. i hope they understand.. well, very few ppl really understand what i'm going through... time does heal, but after the last one, i reckon it will heal soon.. if not never..

whatever comes after this is more like an obligation.. not much emotion involved.. whenever contemplate alone, few drops of tears never fail to run down my face.. my pride is all that left to hold other tears back.. i lost something back then, and i really lost it.. maybe some ppl can really find their soul mates out there.. as for me, i lost my soul and my heart... faith, pride and family is all that is left.. my only hope is this, i just want to live in this time space and leave peacefully one day and never come back...

maybe... i'm just not meant for this anymore..

Genesis 22:1

... " And the rib, which Lord God had taken from the man, made he a woman, and brought her unto the man." ... woman.. derived from man in the Bible (Basic Information Before Leaving Earth)... there's a saying that behind every powerful/ successful man there's a woman. woman build nations, as well as turn nation against another or lay waste to another nation.. powerful they are and in this 1st blog of mine, i got a story to tell.. a tale of 5 woman that shaped me what i am today.. wont be specific and nicknames will be just as good..

The Queen - the one who brought me into this world.. the one who teach me through her hands.. she gave me life, they ways to live it.. instinctively yes, she is mum.. all my probs goes to her.. if i cant solve them myself at least.. the last person that i want to hurt and she'll be the first person that willingly take the bullet for me.. i wont be around if it weren't for her.. heck, every beating she gave me makes my future even brighter.. wouldnt ask for any other guidance then the woman who brought me into this world all alone with her own might..

The Actor - well... the name is given by The Fire recently cause i recently knew that she was really good at acting..or i was blind.. hmmmm.. she gave me the firsts lesson to love... the first racing heartbeat.. first ever sleepless nights... first ever feeling of skipping heartbeat... first ever "angau" if u would like to call it.. her smile (back then la.. ) was enough to make be breathless. and i'd smile the whole day if i see she smile back... among other lesson, she gave me the first heartache, the first cut.. the first blood frm a young boy's heart.. until recently i know that she pulled strings here and there just to make it look innocent... hence the actor... i'd given her The First as her name but heck, i'd give her to much credit if i do.. lol.. Next,

The Passion - lol.. sounds like some corny movie title with some explicit scenes.. i wont go into details just "need to know basis" apply here.. she was the one that taught me that to love some1, also involves to actually prove and show.. show and tell.. her love for me was so intense that to a point it was a little to much for me to handle.. she was also.. well.. the one who paved the way into my manhood if u get what i mean.. she taught me the meaning of being patient, honest, loving guy.. among other things, she let me tap into my wilder side.. hohohohoh... no details here... most important of all, she taught me how to LOVE..

The Black Bird - ahhhh... her.. i honestly thought that my single days are over when i was with her.. smart, honest, aggressive, funny and be-yourself attitude.. she taught the lesson of being honest to yourself.. gave me the lesson of seeing life as what it is and again taught me to be patient.. if we cant be ourselves in front of our loved ones, how else we are going to live with that person...? she said. she also taught the lesson in being rooted to the ground and stay in the reality.. cause i'm a bit of  a dreamer.. maturity is important part of a man, that is the lesson she taught me.. she gave me the lesson how to adapt to a family.. she gave me chances to improve myself and acts like a mirror to me.. she also gave me the deepest cut.. or at least i thought she was until the next one comes along...

The Fire - she was like my drug... kept me going yet not enough to quench my thirst... lol.. she was well, like fire.. bubbly.. passionate... hilarious..memorable.. and taught me that once u gave your heart away, its very difficult to get them back.. she taught me how love a person so dearly that literally cant live without.... as her dad once said, dont live with the person you can live with but with a person u cant live without.. she also taught me the lesson that always keep some love for yourself, else when things go wrong... relationships is a two way street and one should give and take... sometimes the fire just die out but the heat is still there.. i'm just being me that the heat is simply not enough for me to survive... people change.. with her i learn it the hard way... before point my fingers at her, i should stop and point it back at me.. sometimes the trouble is just internal, self implode, self destruct... she again taught me the meaning of giving it all and being patient.. and yet.. i'm still human.. there's only so much patience and i have stretched it thin...

these are the few memorable woman in my life that has brought me into the world, taught me how to love and billions ways to be loved.. its my nature to reflect back in my life so i can be a better person/ lover in the coming days of my life.. i'm just being human.. being me.. and they have shaped much portion of myself today...

cherio,

ps-no hard feelings eh?